Railway Simulator
by Dreamer Boy
Summary: Fed up with his engines, who have been nothing but trouble recently, the Fat Controller gets a computer and a game called 'Railway Simulator'. He becomes so addicted to the game, he forgets that he has a real railway to run and he neglects Lady Hatt.


**Hey guys. It's been a while since my last Thomas story. So here's my new one, which, like the last one, is a oneshot parody. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends. It belongs to HIT Entertainment.**

* * *

It was late evening on the Island of Sodor. Thomas, James, Percy, Gordon, Henry, Edward and Emily were all gathered at Tidmouth Sheds. The Fat Controller had called them all there, but hadn't said why. The engines were wondering what he had to say, but all were hoping he was going to announce he was going on a diet. They were also worried he was going to announce he was going to scrap them - or worse, eat them!

Fatty arrived, looking very cross. This was due to the fact that he _was _cross. Well, he wasn't as cross as when his favourite fast food restaurant closed down - but he was more cross than when one out of unlimited top hats he owned was eaten by a goat (although that shouldn't make a difference since he has _unlimited _hats, should it?).

Anyway, to the point now. Fatty was cross. All because of his engines, who at times, couldn't do what he pleased. But then again, Fatty was a hard man to please - unless he was allowed to eat as much as he liked for free.

Fatty began scolding the engines. "Gordon, you were two minutes late, pulling the express today!"

"Two minutes?! That's impossible!" scoffed Gordon huffily. I'm faster than a speeding bullet, athletic runner and cheetah put together."

"Pity you're not faster than me with a jet engine, are you, Gordon?" Thomas laughed cheekily.

"Shut up, Thomas!" snapped Gordon angrily.

"Yes, shut up, Thomas!" added Fatty crossly. "You're in my bad books too. I heard today that you left your guard behind again today."

"He wanted to be left behind!" argued Thomas. "Another mouse was on Clarabel today, and the guard is scared to mice - the scaredy cat! So he told me to leave him behind. So blame your stupid cowardly guard, not me!"

"No, I'm blaming you! You don't do what anyone tell you but me! Unless, of course, someone tells you to deliver me some food." Fatty then turned to James. "James, I had a complaint from Farmer McColl that when you were near his farm, one of his sheep was on the line. Instead of whistling at it to make it move - you ran over it!"

"James! You killed a sheep?!" Percy gasped in horror.

"Yeah," sulked James. "So what?"

"So what?! _So what?!_ How could you kill such a poor innocent creature? You blood red murderer! You-"

"Percy!" snapped Fatty. "Don't speak unless you're spoken to."

"Sorry, Sir."

"Percy!"

"Yes Sir?"

"You're in my bad books too! When you were pulling the mail today, some teenagers stole it from your mail coaches - and you did nothing to stop them!"

"But what could I do?! I don't have any hands. And besides..." Percy glared at James. "It's not half as bad as killing a sheep."

"Never mind the sheep! The postal service pay me to deliver the mail by train. I can't have engines that let teenagers steal it and not do anything about it!" Fatty then faced Henry. "Henry! I heard you didn't do your jobs today, because you went to the forest to admire the wishing tree."

"Well, Sir, I wanted to make a wish for your benefit."

"Really?! Ooh, what for?!" Fatty's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Drool leaked out of his mouth. "For a nice giant cream cake?!"

"No - for you to go on a diet, Sir," replied Henry calmly. "Since you're so fat."

Fatty went back to frowning. "How dare you, Henry?! I don't need to go on a diet! Me?! Fat?! There is nothing wrong with my weight! Look!" He stretched out his arms. "My size the perfectly fine! Can't you see that?!"

The engines looked at each other, but none of them spoke. They knew Fatty was wrong, but they all thought it better not to get into more trouble.

"Emily!" Fatty went on. "I heard that you were unkind to everyone you met today!"

"I admit that I was," replied Emily. "But I learnt my lesson at the end of the day and know now its better to be kind to people."

"But, Emily - how many times now have you been unkind to everyone, learnt to be kind to them - and then be unkind again?! You always do this! When you learn - PROPERLY?!!!"

_Oh shut up, you fat slob,_ thought Emily, feeling annoyed.

"And finally; Edward! You were late with all your trains today!"

"Well, Sir, you gave me longer trains than usual to pull," remarked Edward. "In case you've forgotten, I'm old."

"Then Gordon was right - you should be retired!"

Edward gasped at this remark, and then growled, baring his teeth to Fatty.

"Look at you all! I'm trying to run a railway and make good money! But you all mess up for me! I wish I had a railway which I could control properly without fuss. But you lot will make sure things go wrong. Now if you'll excuse me, my tea is going cold."

Fatty shut the shed doors on the engines, locked them up, headed back to his car and drove away.

"I blame Percy for this," huffed Gordon grumpily.

"But as I said, I have no hands. I couldn't stop those boys," protested Percy. "It's sheep killer James' fault for running over that poor little sheep! Of all the things you've done James, this is the most-"

"Oh shut up, Percy," groaned James.

"Oh, what the heck?!" put in Emily huffily. "Let's just blame Henry the hippie, for pointing out Fatty is fat."

"Hey!" Henry retorted crossly. "Don't blame me! Fatty _is_ fat! Why else do we call him 'the Fat Controller'?"

"Yes, Henry, that's true," groaned Thomas. "But you're not supposed call him 'fat' to his face, idiot!"

* * *

The Fat Controller soon arrived home, still in a bad mood. He marched angrily out of his car and through the front door of his mansion. "Is my tea ready?!" He called out to his wife.

Lady Hatt emerged from upstairs, a puzzled look on her face. "Topham, I think tea should wait for a bit."

"Wait for a bit?!" Fatty boomed. "The very idea! I'm starving!"

"You always are," muttered Lady Hatt. "But come up to your study room and see why I suggested it. There's something strange up here."

So Fatty went upstairs and walked with Lady Hatt to his study room.

When they walked in, Fatty had a big surprise.

Sitting on his desk along with all his unfinished paperwork, empty tea cups and biscuit tin was a computer - even though this is set in the days before computers were invented. With it was a keyboard, speakers, disc drive and mouse, all ready for using.

"Singing sausages!" exclaimed Fatty, stunned. "It's a computer! Computers won't be invented for years. Where did you get this?!"

"Someone just dropped it off in a box outside our front door," replied Lady Hatt. "Maybe they didn't want it."

"Then they must be missing their brain! Who wouldn't want a piece of technology that won't be invented for years. This is probably the only computer around - for now."

"Well, I think it's a good thing we have it now, Topham," smiled Lady Hatt. "You could use it for your paperwork, working out finances..."

But Fatty wasn't listening. He had spotted something else new on the desk. It was a very thin box. He picked it up and realised that it was a computer game. On the front cover was a picture of a steam engine. On the top of the front cover was the game's title:

RAILWAY SIMULATOR

Excited, Fatty turned over the box to read the information on the back cover. The game was about building and running a virtual railway, by controlling trains and sending them to do several jobs.

"This is my kind of game," said Fatty, grinning. He turned to Lady Hatt. "I think I'll test this game out."

"Okay. What shall _I_ do?"

"What shall you do?! You shall go and cook me my tea! That's what you'll do! Go on! What are you waiting for?! Get on with it woman!"

Lady Hatt frowned and walked crossly out of the study room. Fatty turned on the computer. How he knew how to do it was a mystery, as it was a mystery how he knew how to install the game. In fact, it was even a mystery how he knew how to use a mouse, when computers, at the time the story takes place wouldn't be invented for a number of years. Life is full of mysteries that may never be solved.

Once Fatty had started the game, he began building a railway. "Now I'm finally to run a railway with some proper engines. Not the losers I've had to control with difficulty."

Soon, Fatty had built a virtual railway to his satisfaction, he added several engines to it, and began to send them to do several jobs.

By the time Lady Hatt had cooked Fatty's tea, he had become completely addicted to the game. He asked Lady Hatt to bring his tea to the study room where he could eat and play at the same time. Lady Hatt sighed and brought the plate of sixteen sausages and twelve slices of toast up the stairs to the study room.

* * *

At ten o'clock, Lady Hatt was ready for bed. She came into the study room to find Fatty still playing the game. "Topham, we should get to bed."

"You can go, dear, but I can't," replied Fatty, his eyes glued to the computer screen. "I have to send my engines to do their night jobs."

Lady Hatt thought he meant his real engines on his real railway. "Well, okay then. Don't stay out too long. Goodnight." And she left the study room.

* * *

The next morning, Lady Hatt woke up to find her husband wasn't there. Beginning to panic that he had been killed while he was out last night, or that he had been out drinking at the pub - or he had been seeing another woman, Lady Hatt jumped out of bed and ran out of her room, about to search for him. But as she ran past the study room, she heard his voice.

"Well done! You're a really useful engine!"

She sighed with relief - then wondered who he was saying that to. She walked through the study room to find him on the computer, playing the game. "You're up early, Topham."

"I didn't get any sleep last night. I was busy sending the engines to their jobs. Work on this railway never stops." Fatty pointed to the screen, which showed the engines on his virtual railway in there shed. "Still, they're a reliable lot."

Lady Hatt then suddenly realised that her husband didn't seem to have left the house last night - or even the study room. "What, so you've been on the computer all night last night?"

"I had to. Railways don't run themselves."

Lady Hatt shook her head. "Well, I think you should be thinking about going off to give the engines their jobs now."

"I'm already doing that!"

"No - your _real_ railway!"

"What are you talking about woman?! This _is_ my real railway."

Lady Hatt sighed and held her head. "Well, I'm going to get dressed now, have breakfast, then I'm going out. You'd better go off to work soon. As you said; railways don't run themselves."

"Indeed they don't," agreed Fatty, his eyes never leaving the screen. Lady Hatt turned to leave the study room.

"But before you go," called Fatty. "Could you make me a cup of tea and some hot buttered toast? And I want extra sugar and butter!"

* * *

Meanwhile, at Tidmouth Sheds, the engines had all woken up. They were surprised that the Fat Controller hadn't come to open the shed and give them their jobs.

"I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind when he arrives," grumbled Gordon crossly. "He complains to me for being two minutes late. Where on Earth is he?"

"I'm sure he'll come soon," said Edward.

So all the engines waited. The hours passed and Fatty didn't arrive. They began to wonder why.

"Maybe it's 'all you can eat day' at the pizza house?" suggested Thomas.

"Or it must be 'buy one, get one free' at the ice cream shop?" added Emily.

"Maybe he's away at a dieting class," put in Edward.

"Fat chance!" remarked Henry, and he laughed at his own joke.

"Well I hope Fatty comes soon," said Percy worriedly. "I don't want to be near this red sheep killer much longer."

"Percy, that was just a one off," sighed James, who would have forgotten about the sheep he killed by now, if it weren't for the little green annoying twit next to him. "But the way you're going on about it, if I had hands and you had a throat, I would strangle you!"

* * *

The days went by, and still the Fat Controller didn't come to Tidmouth Sheds, nor did he go to see any of the other engines on his railway. All the engines remained locked in their sheds, wondering where he was, although they all assumed he was stuffing his face somewhere.

The only engines who were glad not to be able to go out to work were Daisy and Dennis. The two lazy diesels were quite happy to be locked up in the diesel sheds for all eternity (although they thought this _now_, but for sure, they'd get bored eventually). If engines could put on weight, they would be as fat as Fatty.

The other engines hated being locked up for days. Especially James, who simply couldn't get Percy to shut up about the dead sheep.

They weren't the only ones who noticed something was wrong. At all the stations on the railway, there were hundreds of passengers, who were waiting for endless hours, but no trains were coming. They were all angry. Very angry. Very, very angry. Very, very, very angry indeed. They complained to the station masters who suggested that they telephone the Fat Controller and complain.

At Brendam Docks, cargo was piling up, almost as high as Cranky, who was annoyed that they were no engines to take away the cargo. It made him feel - what's the word? Oh yeah - cranky! The irony!

While all this confusion and delay (Overused catchphrase alert!) was going on, Fatty was sat in his house all day, playing the game, thinking it was really his railway. And poor Lady Hatt was making more meals for him which she had to carry up the stairs to his study room. The only difference that was occurring as the days went by was that Fatty was getting even fatter.

* * *

One evening, Lady Hatt was bringing a cup of tea to the study room for her husband. She was unhappy. Today was her and Topham's anniversary. But he had completely ignored it and instead, spent it playing his game. Lady Hatt guessed why the person who had dumped it on their doorstep didn't want it. It was most likely a lady, whose husband probably became too addicted to it, though Lady Hatt didn't know whether or not this person's husband was a fat slob who owned a railway.

She came into the study room to find her husband still sat in front of the computer. "Here's your tea, Topham."

"Thank you, dear."

Lady Hatt walked over to him, holding the tea cup in her hands. "Topham, do you know what today is?"

"Of course I do! Today's the day the express engine on my railway breaks its own record!" Fatty pointed to the computer screen, which displayed a fast moving steam engine speeding with an express train.

Lady Hatt frowned. "No Topham! Today's our anniversary."

"It is?!" Fatty looked away from the computer screen for the first time in days to look at his wife with a stunned expression. "Oh yeah." Then he quickly looked back at the screen.

"Well," exclaimed Lady Hatt, feeling very annoyed and tapping her foot. "Aren't you going to take me out to celebrate?!"

"Oh, I'd love to, dear, but I've got too much work to do today."

"Topham! You haven't been to work for days! You've been sat in front of that computer!"

"Yes, I have been sat in front of the computer - but I _have_ been working; sending all these engines to work!"

"No, Topham! That's just a game!"

"No it isn't! It's real, and it's my railway. And I'm going to be working on it for the rest of my life."

_No you won't, _thought Lady Hatt. Unable to take much more of her husband's lazy behaviour, in an angry rage, she poured the cup of tea all over the computer, which then proceeded to explode.

Fatty jumped in shock, thus making the biggest move he had done in days. Then he scowled at Lady Hatt. "Look what you've done, you stupid woman! That's the only computer around! No more will be invented for years!"

"And a good thing too," replied Lady Hatt crossly. "I've had enough of you neglecting me - and you haven't been running the railway either!"

"What are you talking about?" snapped Fatty. "I've been hard at work, running that railway - and now I can't - because of you!"

"No, Topham. That was just a game. I'm talking about your _real_ railway, with your _real _engines; Thomas, James, Percy..."

Suddenly, Fatty remembered his railway and engines, and went into a state of panic. He had not sent his engines to work and he knew all the passengers would be angry. "Holy haddock! I'd better go!"

"Yeah! You'd better!" retorted Lady Hatt.

"But before you, could you just make me some hot buttered toast? Only I've got a long day-"

"NOOO!!!" Lady Hatt yelled, so loudly that Fatty ran quickly out of the house in fright.

* * *

After running faster than he had run before, though he didn't lose weight in the process, the Fat Controller arrived at Tidmouth Sheds and quickly unlocked the shed doors, much to the surprise of the engines.

"Sir?!" exclaimed Thomas. "Where have you been?!" Then he and the other engines grinned, and all said in unison;

"Sir Topham Hatt! You have caused confusion and delay!"

"Hey, you can't say that to me! That's _my _line! I say that to you! Anyway, never mind where I've been! Just all of you get back to work! Now!" And Fatty ran off before any of the engines could retort.

"Well, well, well," said Edward. "Here, I thought we'd never see him again."

"Well, I'm glad he's now come back!" huffed James. "I couldn't stick being locked in this shed with Percy calling me a sheep killer any longer!"

"But you are!" Percy cried. "That poor sheep didn't do anything - and you killed it!"

"And they say _I'm_ a hippie," muttered Henry grudgingly.

"That's because you _are_, Henry," Gordon sighed huffily.

Just then, a police car pulled into the yard. It stopped by the sheds and out stepped a policeman. Thomas gasped. It was the same policeman who wanted him to have cowcatchers.

But right now, the policeman was looking at James. "You! You're the engine who killed Farmer McColl's sheep, right?!"

"That's right, Officer," peeped Percy frantically. "It was him!"

"Percy, will you _SHUT UP_?!" James growled.

"I know it was you," said the policeman to James. "And now, I'll see that you engines _will_ get cowcatchers. _ALL_ of you!"

"Argh!" cried Thomas. "He's gonna give us cowcatchers! Percy, stop him!"

"Me?!" Percy piped frantically. "What can I do? I don't have any hands!"

"You won't stop me," the policeman declared. "I'll see you get cowcatchers! I'll see you won't kill anyone. I'll see you-"

Before he could continue, the policeman heard the sound of a bell, which made him jump. The sound of a bell came again. The policeman screamed, jumped into his car, and drove out of the yard like a madman, and twice the speed limit (so he gave himself a speeding ticket at the end of the day).

The engines were puzzled. Then Toby appeared in the line running beside Tidmouth Sheds, grinning. "Honestly, how a man like him, who is afraid of my bell, made it to the police force, I'll never know."

"Hey, Toby, how did you get out of your shed?" Thomas asked. "Everyone's been locked up while Fatty was missing."

"Oh, _I _wasn't locked up. But since Fatty didn't come to me, I just stayed in my shed."

"So, you weren't locked up and could have left your shed?" Emily frowned scornfully. "So it's partly your fault no work as been done these past few days."

"No, it's just Fatty never came to give me orders, so I felt I didn't have any work to do."

"Well, Fatty has ordered us all to get back to work," said Edward. "So let's all go before he changes his mind and scraps us - or eats us!"

* * *

Soon, all the engines were back to work. While they were doing the jobs they should have done days ago, the Fat Controller went to his office at Knapford Station. As he walked through the door, he saw something on his desk and gasped.

It was a telephone - but it wasn't his usual black old-fashioned telephone. It was a modern phone made of white plastic, and it had a green light on it, flashing.

"A modern phone - with an answering machine!" exclaimed Fatty. "Those won't be invented for years!"

He sat at his desk and noticed the green light flashing. "Ooh, I've got some messages." He pressed the button to play the messages. The phone then said in a computerized voice;

"You have three-hundred and seventeen new messages. First message."

Then came a loud angry voice of a human. "Sir Topham Hatt! Where on Earth are your engines?! I was meant to catch a train, but didn't see one engine! You should be running this railway."

Fatty's jaw dropped in horror.

"Second message."

Another angry voice came. "Hey, you're supposed to be running this railway! Why aren't your engines at work?!"

"Third message."

"Listen up, mush, I was standing like an idiot today at Wellsworth Station, waiting for one of your engines which never came, while you I expect were stuffing your face!"

The Fat Controller glumly listened to all the messages of the angry passengers, wishing he hadn't come back to work.

* * *

James also wasn't enjoying coming back to work either. He and Percy were double heading a goods train, with James in front. But right now, they had stopped near Farmer McColl's farm, for another sheep had strayed onto the line.

After much whistling and wheeshing steam which proved to be fruitless, James lost patience. "That's it! I can't take it anymore; I'm running him over!"

"No, James!" Percy cried in horror. "You can't!"

"I can! You can't stop me, Percy! You don't have any hands!"

And with that, James start to puff forward. But strangely, though his wheels were turning, he didn't move. Puzzled, he puffed harder, but still couldn't move. He puffed as hard as he could, but it was no good. The sheep stood and watched as James tried to run him over to no avail.

Finally, James gave up. He stopped puffing and his wheels stopped spinning. He gasped for breath, and then realised why he couldn't move.

For Percy had put on his brakes to stop James from pulling him and the train, and his front coupling attached to James' rear coupling and had stopped James from moving and had saved the sheep.

Percy smiled triumphantly. "I may not have hands, James - but at least I have brakes and a coupling!"

* * *

**And that's the story of "Railway Simulator". I hope you've enjoyed this tale focusing on our favourite fat railway owner and that it has managed to make you laugh.**

**Cheerio.**


End file.
